Episode Transcript
Hello, my darlings, micah Riot here with another episode of Ink Medicine podcast. It is November 9th 2023. If you listened to last week's very short episode, you know that I went to Colorado to visit an old friend of mine, a client, somebody I worked on for a long time in earlier stages of my career. She came to me right as I was transitioning from black and blue to Mermaid's tattoo and the first piece we did was a mermaid. Her story was intense back then and in some ways it's gotten more intense now. I lost touch with her. I had tattooed a very important, very deep, meaningful piece on her for her, and then went on to tattoo some other work on her. I did a quarter sleeve after I did the first piece and we ended up hanging out. We spent time outside the shop. I went to a birthday party of hers. She joined me at a dance party at some point, me and my at the time girlfriend Mango in the city. I came to her family party for her kid's high school graduation. I remember joining her for dinner at a Thai place in the Selma that her sister really liked I believe her sister was there. So we had interaction outside the shop, we were friends and then we kind of fell off the keeping in touch wagon. I hadn't talked to her in a long time and right around the time of the first stage of the pandemic around, it was 20, I believe it was 2020, maybe it was 2021. I don't exactly remember. But I saw a post of hers where she talks about being sick, being terminal, and I reached out then and I said I'm thinking of you, I love you. I just wanted to say that I did not want to insert myself in her life. I did not want to be like what can I do, or can I see you, or any of that. You know, people have a right to live out their last months, days, weeks, years the way that they want to, and I figured if she wanted to see me she'd let me know. At the time she moved to Colorado from California and once in a while I would catch pictures of her doing a little bit of mild traveling with her children doing treatments in different places, trying different things to help her survive, and it made me happy to know that she was still here. And then, a couple months ago, I saw another post by somebody else that I know through her that I'm Facebook friends with. And the person said you know, wrote a lovely sort of post talking about how amazing Serlina is. And I freaked out. I was like, did it happen? Is she gone? And the person said no, no, she's not gone. She's still with us. But if you want to talk to her, go talk to her. She's the one you should be asking questions if you have questions. So I then reached out and I said again hey, I'm thinking of you, I love you. And she responded and we started chatting a little bit back and forth and then I asked her if she would be on the podcast and for her to tell her story, and she agreed. So this is the interview we did before I left for my trip to Colorado. There's not really another preamble for this interview. The sound quality didn't turn out amazing, but you can still hear everything she's saying. I chose the most important parts. Please listen. There are no.
Speaker 2:
And then maybe I'll just turn this down a little bit. Okay, what would you like to know?
Speaker 1:
I want to talk to you about the beginning of our relationship, about the time we get together, all of that. Okay, if you want to talk about it, that's I would I, yes, I want to hear about what's happening with you, what the diagnosis is, etc. But that's up to you. I want to respect your privacy and all that goes along with that, but for sure, given that you're a person that I've been tattooing for most of my career and we did some really important deep pieces, that's kind of going to go at some point in our conversations. Okay, sure, Absolutely.
Speaker 2:
So yeah what do you want to say?
Speaker 1:
Yes, the tattoos.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you could start from the beginning.
Speaker 1:
So how did you originally find me?
Speaker 2:
You were actually part of a different tattoo shop. I think it was black and blue, and someone recommended black and blue to me and then I looked online at the different you know artists they had. I loved your work, I reached out to you. You're about to leave there. I think I'm not sure if I ever got tatted over there before you went into your own shop, which was awesome, and then the rest is history. Yes, that was great, when actually I had lost my son. Oh my God, how crazy. Oh my God, we've come back full circle. Well, you'll realize why later, but yeah, whoa that's Well.
Speaker 1:
When you said the boys are in college, I was like, oh, both of your boys, are you like? They're in college both in the States.
Speaker 2:
No. So here it is like, in short, you know, my son was kidnapped by his father, without any notice or anything from me, went into a Muslim country, pakistan, and I never saw them again. Thanks to the State Department and the embassy, they were able to find them by sure luck really, and then we started communicating on the phone. And so, fast forward, my son is now 19. Last year he turned 18, and I had asked his father you know I'd like to come see him, et cetera, et cetera and I had disclosed that I was really sick, and so we kind of reengaged a little bit, you know, for a period of time, and I was very stupid and got my hopes up and we bought our tickets. You know we were so excited. Jazzy and JJ, you know we're going to come. So both Jazzy and JJ now are, you know, well into their 20s. Jj is about to graduate college and my son was about to graduate. You know what's called his. You know, it's not high school over there, it's like a little bit of stuff. And Anyway, four days before we were supposed to go on our trip, his father canceled the trip and just simply said it's not a good time. And I was like I've been talking about this for months and at that point, you know, I was just like already super weak and I've been going through treatment for nearly a decade now and I'm just tired, my god. You know, when I started all this I was like gung-ho, did everything right every day, like it was my last, and anyone who was in my path during that time can hopefully attest that. You know, I did a lot of good, but you can only suppress certain things for so long. And so after that happened, you know, we tried to tell my son the truth, because I figured he's older now and only so much can get translated, you know, via texting and all that, and he just thought we were complete liars and basically everything that I had always feared in my heart. He confirmed and then he blocked us and I haven't spoken to him since, and so this past year I just taint, I just was all kinds of bad, did not take care of myself, I wanted to die, I was committed suicide a couple times, and so you just kind of go through all that, you know, and it was just so overwhelming I don't even know how to explain it and all that pain. No wonder I held it down for so long, and so now, coming out of the other side of it, you know my doctors are telling me it's time for me to start making preparations. You know, I'm not going to go into hospice care, I'm going to go get euthanized, and so I don't know, it just could just be fight or flight mode or what. But I don't think anything's seriously wrong with me. I think, honestly, I'm just missing Zidar and I've made myself so sick over it and I don't think there's any cure for me. So I'm gonna go fucking see him. You're gonna see him, I'm gonna go see him. So before I have to go get euthanized, I'm gonna go to Pakistan and I'm gonna fucking go see him. Sorry, I'm about to cuss. I don't care.
Speaker 1:
I'm sorry, do you?
Speaker 2:
know where he is, no, so yeah, I've got plans in place but yeah, I'm gonna go see him and I think you know just that bit of hope. You know, I feel like of course physically I'm not strong, but every other part of me is like something is like starting to like ruminate. You know, I don't know if that's ever happened to you, and it's sort of like being reborn in a way. And you know, I've gone through all the phases of grief now and now I'm in the next stage and I want justice. Like this man and his family have been lying to my son for years and it has nothing to do that they're Muslim or about race or anything, they're just fucking bad people. And my son's there with them and I get it like you know, bad people do good things and but he needs to know the truth and I just want that opportunity and I could. He could see me and he could very well just be like go to hell, but I want to try and I'd never had that opportunity before. I had Jazzy and JJ to take care of, but now I have nothing to lose. He can have me arrested, he can have me killed, I really don't care, but I'm gonna damn well try. No, I don't want the kids to go with me. I think it's a little too dangerous now. They're right there near the border of Afghanistan, so there's a lot of turmoil still. That's why it's so hard to get the visa. But I have other ways of getting a visa without having to go in through him, so I just stopped all communication with him. He's still the same like sadistic psychopath and it's just worrying to me that my son now is about to become a man and I don't doubt that he was a good dad to him, but he's still a bad person. So I'm sure my son will always love him, but in my eyes, like he deserves to also see what his mother's like. I have that right, you know. I don't care what country you're in. So that's my fight now. It's not about my health or like trying to live long. If today is the day, and today is the day, you know, I'm wrapping up all my affairs, saying on my goodbyes, but I just, you know, I just want to be able to just do this one thing.
Speaker 1:
So what as Okay, you so with him. You got back in touch with him. You and I did the mermaid tattoo on your belly. That was about. And then you, there was a private investigator you hired and they found him right and you got in touch. You got to talk to him. I think you were talking to him what? Every month or so.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, well, every whenever his dad allowed it. Sometimes it would go months and it wasn't a private investigator. What my ex ended up doing. The way the law works is that the minute the kid goes out of the States, the FBI is no longer able to, you know, have any kind of resources to help me. So then it's up to the State Department and the embassy. And most countries, particularly advanced ones, have a treaty with the United States that says wherever the child is taken from that kids nationality, that's where they need to go back to and have the custodial like you know issues resolved, which means that our should technically go back here to the States and me and his dad should like cash it out, but that's not applicable to Muslim countries. And so he took him to a Muslim country. But then a few years later he was remarried, he had a baby. I don't know where he was going to go, but he stepped foot in a hate country. He was in the UK, and so the minute he stepped foot there, all the frickin you know passports were flagged, but by the time Interpol let Scotland Yard know, or the other way around. I can't remember how it all works. My ex had already taken his connection and they stepped out. Otherwise he would have been arrested right then and there, but they didn't have all the documentation or whatever. So they were at least able to figure out where does he live, what's his contact information. So then the State Department worked with the embassy in the US, with the embassy in Pakistan, and that's how we started the communications and he was, of course, listening in. I can never say what I want to say to my son for sure. I mean, my ex is a habitual liar, and so he's like oh, I'm not listening or anything, you can say whatever you want. I'm like yeah, right, so I'll take whatever I could. Though I was at his mercy. I could only speak to him when I can, for as long as I can, I can only say certain things, but I was still successful, I'd say, in establishing a relationship with my son. He was at that point. He really wanted to see us, and I know he remembers us. I know he does. He was five when he left here. I know that's been a long time he's almost 20 now, but he just don't ever forget a mom's love. No, and that's why I know his dad tells him oh, we're bad Americans and that's why he's not allowed to be here or see us, and that's not the truth. He knows this because the minute he sees us he's going to know the truth and that he's been lied to for so long and led to believe that he wasn't wanted, that I didn't want him. That's the worst part of it. That's, I think, what ultimately broke my heart, like who fucking makes a kid feel like that?
Speaker 1:
Like a bad person. What?
Speaker 2:
a I just, I can't yeah.
Speaker 1:
I'm really happy to hear that you're going to go. Try to see him.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, it's given me new hope. I was. I've lost a lot of my eyesight. It's hard to walk, hard to use my hands. Everyone's at a loss, just like that. I have trouble with speech, but I'm hanging in there. I still have more good days than dad, but before I completely lose my wits about me, I don't want to be in a wheelchair and I still don't want to be blind. So I want to go get youth and eyes out. In Finland, there's this beautiful place that you can be laid down to rest. Jazzy and JJ will be there with me.
Speaker 1:
So I'm just dying peacefully.
Speaker 2:
You have a date for me? No, it just depends. It's probably in the next year. So at the rate I'm going, but we'll see. I haven't given up yet, but I do need to. If all my doctors agree on something, I listen. So I'm preparing. What does that mean for you? Preparing, well, getting the will, the house, everything for the kids, basically, that is so grown up that they still have more things to learn. I want them to still have the opportunity to be in their early 20s. I'm not going to just lay all this stuff on them. So there's just certain matters that I need to get situated the house, mostly because I want to leave it to the kids my journals for the kids, videos for Zaraar, a lot of videos for Zaraar, since I have been communicating with him.
Speaker 1:
You're making live letters to him through video. Yes, pretty much.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, because you know how kids are these days.
Speaker 1:
They don't read anything, so yeah, it'll just be for him to see you. I think will be really special.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and stuff that involves his brother and sister too. So at least there's some record that everything is heard is bullshit. We love him and all the things we've done all these years was because of him, not because we didn't miss him. I've been trying to overcompensate for over 15 years now, and so I feel like now I've just kind of shed all that skin off. It was the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my life, still is. But yeah, we shall overcome.
Speaker 1:
How did you find out about having cancer?
Speaker 2:
I was on a business trip and I collapsed, and I'm a frickin' workaholic so I figured Thankfully I work in pharmaceuticals, particularly in oncology, and so I've had the best advice. That's why I'm not too public about exactly what it is or anything. It's not cancer. I ended up getting cancer as a byproduct of all the treatment I've had, but that's not my underlying condition. My underlying condition is a very rare form of. It's a very rare blood disease for which no one has any clue. I have multiple types of doctors, so it took years of going and I honestly didn't take it seriously at all because I'm like that'll just go away. And then it got worse. It got worse, it got worse and then I'm like what the why can't anyone figure out what's going on? So I finally did the genetic testing and it wasn't what anyone thought it was. It's very bizarre. Not too many people. There's only a handful of people documented in the world that's ever had it.
Speaker 1:
So the blood condition that you have turned into a blood cancer or different type of cancer.
Speaker 2:
No, the disease itself didn't turn into anything. I just got cancer from radiation, because cancer or radiation and chemo can give you other cancers. So I'm like, really, what are the chances of that? And so after that point I thought that was the lowest part of my life. But this last year that was the worst Around your son, yeah. And also I'm convinced no treatments or medicine or anything is really going to help me. It's going to be hard, but first I had to get all that shit out of my system. I cried every single day, every hour, for months. You know, I just I wanted to die. So bad, I drank so much. Oh my God, I think I'm made out of bourbon now.
Speaker 1:
Hey, bourbon's good stuff.
Speaker 2:
Hell, yeah, sure as hell helped me. So, yeah, it's the numb, the pain, yeah, it was a lot. Oh my God, oh my God, I just yeah.
Speaker 1:
Is there something about knowing that your life is so long? Right, we all know that we're dying slowly, but you know that, to a big extent, most people does that sort of mean that you have more like. I will just do what I want. If I want to drink a bottle of bourbon, I'll do it. I want to like yeah.
Speaker 2:
Well, not in the beginning. I mean, in the beginning I wanted to be so good I'm going to eat everything. I was already pretty healthy to begin with. I mean, you've known me how long I, for the kids sake, like that's. All I could do is stay healthy just to maintain myself as a single mom and work the way I do and take care of my kids the way I do, on top of all their friends. And so I loved, you know, being a mom, and so part of that is demonstrating to my kids how to live a healthy life. That not that they necessarily took that advice, but no, they're pretty good. But I was a total health nut already. So I was like, oh yeah, I got this. You know, I got this fricking running 20 miles a week, eating all this like greens. Oh my God, I just was so good. And then you go on and you go on. Seven years into it I was fricking pissed. So, yeah, after that I was like you know what? And then they started, and then they gave me an internal diagnosis and so I was like, wow, even if you are so healthy and you do so much good in the world, you can still die. So that made me very angry and that's when I was started, you know, kind of being like, well, fuck it, you know. Then COVID happened and I was like, oh my God, yeah, it's been a journey. I don't know. You know, I'm just one of those who's learned to trust what you know my body tells me to do and a lot of it does not make sense, but I know in the end it will. But this has definitely been a fricking confusing time. I'm everything totally off, the worst version of myself, first of all this past year, and just, you know, not quite there I think I kind of, as a person, I lost a lot, but I think I kind of needed to lose that part of myself.
Speaker 1:
You mean like being keeping in touch and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:
No, just more like like I couldn't stand being around kids or animals, which I absolutely love. I hated everybody pretty much, just not doing good things to myself, just you know. And so and I kept asking myself like what is going on with me? Have I really like lost it? I really thought I did, but now in retrospect I'm like, okay, it was all for some reason, but God damn, like, did it have to be that way? I don't know. I'm sure I could have done it more gracefully, but I'm like if you don't love me, am I worse? You're sure as fuck I'm not going to get me in my best and I'm pretty damn awesome. You are pretty awesome. It's going to take some time, though. It's going to take some time to get there.
Speaker 1:
Well, that's the thing about life, right and like. The reckoning with all the shit is you are going to be different versions of yourself.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely. It's a huge reckoning for sure.
Speaker 1:
I hope you have lots and lots of compassion for yourself at all different parts of the journey. I tried.
Speaker 2:
I was pretty hard on myself but I kind of was in that self-loathing, self-deprecation, like you know kind of phase. But that's part of the journey the guilt, the guilt was very overwhelming. I blame myself for a lot of stuff and that hurts. A lot of it hurts, hurts a lot, yeah, but all I can hope for, you know, is just to continue to do good. I'm starting to be a better person again and start to help the world. Not as much as I would like, but I know I still got to kind of heal myself. What does that mean for you?
Speaker 1:
Healing myself. You know they're doing good for the world at this stage of your life, oh.
Speaker 2:
God. Well, the form I left. I, you know, contribute a lot to my community charity and this thing, you know, give 30% of my earnings to my loved ones and those in need, and I've gotten a lot better about that, because I just used to just give everything, and including my time, to people who just did not, you know, deserve it. And yeah, I just it's been overwhelming, you know, this past year I just thought about death a lot and I don't. I'm just so used to just giving so much goodness to everybody and hope and spirit and just being happy because I truly do live a amazingly happy life and I just have lost myself, you know, or maybe I wasn't lost, I just got down, I just was in a really dark place and so it was really hard to like see the other, the other side.
Speaker 1:
So sorry, no, probably sorry, please, actually very close.
Speaker 2:
I can't see what I look like. Playroom's not on my face, but um.
Speaker 1:
It's just a little bit green and you look. You look wonderful. Your skin is, a way, very beautiful, like as always.
Speaker 2:
It's this thing, you know, kind of close, but, um, yeah, you know it's been very painful. But I just I realized that before I was doing good things because I thought I could, if I did enough good, I'd get Zerar back, and so it made me hate the world. But then I realized that's just who I am. I love fucking saving people. But now I got to do it without any ties or expectations and just do it because it makes me feel good and you know, I kind of just I'm trying to figure out who I am all over again. But there's just certain fundamental things that won't change about me, you know which I'm glad you know. Truth, honesty, justice, fight, all those things are still very important to me.
Speaker 1:
I asked Serlina about her job.
Speaker 2:
These kids are expensive. Plus, I love my job. I absolutely love my job. I make medicine for very rare diseases and children and whatever I can do to help the world is particularly people like me, before I pass. I'm going to do it and I was very successful this year. You know, two very major submissions completed and I didn't think I could do it, but it just kind of happened that way. I started these jobs off with, just, you know, being very in the background and ended up being the complete lead, so I got a still a little bit something in me. Work must be in a different realm than like everyday life, because the minute I log off my computer and have to deal with real world people, I'm just like I don't know what's going on.
Speaker 1:
We spent some time catching up because it has really been years since we talked. I told Serlina about getting married and then getting divorced, getting my dog moving from San Francisco to Oakland, and about my new partner Not really all that new anymore, since it's now been almost five years. Tell me about your sleep. We did like half of it and then you got it finished later by somebody else. Tell me about it.
Speaker 2:
Oh yes, I wanted some tribal in there. This guy what was his name? I'm having my phone he was from Hawaii and he did some work in California every once in a while. He was recommended to me by my brother Joel Alvarez, that's his name. He did all the tribal all around me over here. Then I decided to add more Something to represent my brother and sister, who are a Gemini and a Sagittarius. For the Gemini, put a galaxy in the fish and then the fire inside the other one. For the Sag, I'm the two fish, my brother and sister are inside of me and then all the kids are over here. That's JJ the water bearer, jasmine the tourist. This represents Zidara. Of course, I want to do a unicorn on the other side, but my doctors don't want me to get a tattoo right now.
Speaker 1:
I will bring my stuff if you want.
Speaker 2:
Oh my god, are you serious? I'm not going to put you to work, I want to just have a good time.
Speaker 1:
Are your doctors serious? If you want to get a tattoo right now, it would be the time, not like in three months or four months. True, yeah, it would be like stoke too. It would not be like work. I'd be stoke too. Me too. I'll bring stuff.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I don't know, we'll see. We'll see. I just don't want you to go to work and stuff. Come out here and just have a good time.
Speaker 1:
I promise you I would be fine too. I would be happy to. If you want a unicorn, you get a unicorn.
Speaker 2:
I know how would.
Speaker 1:
I fit it though.
Speaker 2:
I put on a little bit of weight these last couple weeks. I had no arms for a long time. Jasmine has been helping me too, just making sure I'm constantly eating. My body is totally changing. It took a while for me to get a kind of readjust after treatment. It's hard to tell what's a residual from all the treatment and what's a residual because we're trying to get rid of that cancer. What is acting from my disease, because they were both blood related, I'm forgetting now.
Speaker 1:
Serlina asked me about my tattoos. What new work have I gotten? She really is such a lover of body art. I talked to her about what I have gotten since we saw each other. I showed her my chest piece, my back piece, and then I came right out and asked her a question I've been wondering about, because I know she's a spiritual seeker and this is a medicine that people often use when they're very sick. You have not done ayahuasca right, no?
Speaker 2:
I have not, and you know it's on my list. I almost signed up, but I'm so scared of the darkness, especially after what I just went through. Man, if I have to go through feelings like that, no, I think I just need to heal just a little bit more from all that, just to make sure I can come out of it. I just don't trust myself. I think I might just literally go crazy, but I've been doing shrooms, just micro dosing. That's helped. I'm doing all natural stuff. No more meds and all that. I mean, if this is it and whatever. I've been taking turkey tincture. My girl, ksenia, has been sending me all these things and this one is for my mental health Hawthorne, passionflower, motherwort, just stuff like that. Snake pills I'll take anything. I got gems, Gems on me all the time, beads, all that. I will take all the energy from all those around me and translate that to my health. For my four years everyone wore a wig and I had them write me a letter. I didn't want any presents, I just wanted a letter because by then I knew I was sick, but I didn't tell anyone. I was sick until 2019, right before I left California, because I didn't want the kids, I just wanted them to graduate and then get that all out of the way, and so I told everyone to write me a letter, and then I don't open it when I'm 50. I'm 46 now, and so maybe I'm 47. I thought I was 48, but I'm pretty sure I'm not 48. What year were you born? 77. It was 23, minus 7, that's 6.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I'm 46.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think I was just so anxious to get to 50. I just kept telling myself you know, I'm older than I am, so I could open those letters. But I will open them before this is all done. I mean, some people are like you got to open that letter, you got to open it. I'm like nope.
Speaker 1:
I told you I'm not going to open it till freaking out 50. So if you have a dirty little thing you want to tell me in there, I'm not going to know till later. You're like texting me now. Yeah, I'm like.
Speaker 2:
I'm sure there's some professions of love in one or two of them, if I'm more like people who had like big crushes on you, you mean. Oh yeah, for sure. Pull an opportunity to tell you how they really feel about you, you know.
Speaker 1:
Well, in some ways, like people don't anyway right. Like they tell you to an extent, but like they're not going to fully say what they feel until you're gone. Like people do that shit all the time.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, but you know, hey, that's what I asked for, and whether they did or not we'll see, but I'm sure people did and I'm sorry I cut you off earlier.
Speaker 1:
What did?
Speaker 2:
were you saying have I had a?
Speaker 1:
what Colorado boyfriend? Oh yeah, I dated one guy here. Yeah, he had a boyfriend.
Speaker 2:
I'm like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, he, I love him, he and I will always love him, because he loved me at the worst possible time in my life. I mean, I was puking, my hair was falling out. I was just mentally crazy off the deep end and I just had to break it off with him because I mean, he's a big goofball. I'm not sure if we would have lasted anyways, but God, he's beautiful. I'm big, you know, I like him big, tatted, bad, and but yeah, I couldn't go through treatment and it's just hard enough thinking about losing the kids. I just it doesn't make sense for me to be with anyone until you know, this is all done and I just want to be able to just focus on my son, you know, on. So but yeah, there's not a lot of people my type here. It's just, you know, very, very, very like Birkenstocks and vanilla, and that has nothing to do with the race. There's, all you know, different races here, but it's just like, well, you know I'm pretty bad. So I kind of need some like edge there and you can always go to San Francisco for that, but you don't really get that community here.
Speaker 1:
So after we chatted about dating while sick, we touched base about what would a visit look like if I actually came to Colorado.
Speaker 2:
Honestly, most days I'm just in bed, micah, I mean I don't even talk. I have to warn you like sometimes I just lay there and you just hold my hand, or maybe not. We'll try and eat good food while I lay there and that's all I do Like just look forward to a lot of TV and crime shows. If we can get out in nature, that's very therapeutic for me too, so we'll go do that. But yeah, just mostly just want to spend time with you.
Speaker 1:
We ended up having a lovely visit. I went to see Seryalina for three nights and in that time we got to go to a Russian bath house we soaked. It really helped her back relax and helped her pain a lot. We had food out a couple times. We had sushi one night and we had Korean barbecue another night. As far as I could tell, she was happy to do those things. She's social, she's an absolutely social butterfly and I got to meet a couple of her friends and family members and I also got to see a couple of my friends when I went over to Denver to visit her. So that's the update on my trip and I hope you enjoyed getting to know this amazing human. I hope you got a sense of what a bright, sunshiney person she is, and not just bright and sunshiney, she's edgy, she's got darkness, she's got sharp corners Really a complex and gorgeous human. I feel honored and happy to have her in my life, to know her, to have known her for the last decade, and I hope she's going to be here with us for a lot longer than her doctors think she is going to be. I haven't fully sorted through all my feelings about this trip, about this experience and I'm sure you'll hear more about it at some other point. As I wrap up this episode, I'd like to offer you a very simple truth Thinking and talking about death need not be morbid. They may be quite the opposite. Content and fear of death overshadows life, while knowing and accepting death erases the shadow. Lily Pincus.